President Barack Obama, facing a hailstorm of criticism at home and ridicule from Iranian Ayatollah Khamenei, stole the spotlight today in a bit of bulldog bargaining in which he agreed to trade daughters Malia and Sasha in return for a pet goat and the Iranian leader’s pledge that he could make do with 600 nuclear bombs and a promise to refrain from bombing Israel until the day after tomorrow. Journalists reported that government leaders in the West were shocked at Obama’s stubborn, hard bargaining style.
A smiling Barack Obama emerged from the meetings proudly leading his new goat and stating to a swarm of cameras and reporters “Two pieces for the Ayatollah in our time!” The moment was nearly marred when the goat shat on the President’s shoe, but MSNBC reporter Rachel Maddow led a stampede of American journalists who burst from the crowd to kneel down and lick the goat shit from Obama’s instep.
The President, accompanied by the First Lady and clearly triumphant, proceeded to a podium, but the goat loitered, lifted one leg and peed on the front row of American reporters. The startled reporters were quickly calmed when an Iranian interpreter assured them the goat was trained, and his action was a purifying ritual dating to the time of Xerxes, one that signified successful negotiations. Reporters were relieved — well, actually, the goat was relieved — reporters were pleased to learn they had been bathed in the waters of multiculturalism.
The President addressed the gallery as the goat baaaahed, and details of the talks quickly unfolded. The day began inauspiciously when Vice President Joe Biden entered the room and proclaimed to the Ayatollah, “You know this is a big f***ing deal.” He then grabbed Mrs. Obama’s ass and wondered if he might nibble on her cleavage. The Obama’s were not amused and in a gesture of good will that evidently set the tone, the Ayatollah cut off Mr. Biden’s head. While some contend Mr. Biden lost his head years ago, most who witnessed the event agree that this was the definitive act. Of some consternation to both leaders was the fact that after having been placed on the table between them, the severed head continued to talk. This should have come as little surprise as the Vice President’s mouth had moved for years despite his brain having been depleted of oxygen since the early 80’s. “God I’d like to feel up some Persian women,” said smiling Joe. “Do they wear any panties under those potato sacks?” And then negotiations moved on.
From there we have learned that the Ayatollah promised not to annihilate Israel before sundown in exchange for Bill Clinton’s rolodex; but the President, ever a man of good faith, confessed to the Ayatollah that Bill’s women, though young, had been porked by many men. The word “porked” clearly engendered enormous discomfort in the holy man, and for a moment the day appeared lost.
While negotiators on both sides milled about whispering in different areas of the room, the Biden head rolled to a corner of the table and bit Mrs. Obama on the ass. The first lady cried out in pain and screamed “You shit eating motherf***er!” before slapping Biden’s grinning head across the room. The head flew toward the Ayatollah and knock off his turban, and for a moment the room settled into an uncomfortable silence. Then, unruffled, Khamenei gave the grinning head a soccer kick that thumped it off the door, from whence it landed in a trash can. “Hey, what’s the big f***ing deal?” The echo shook the trash can; “Swish!” responded the President. The day had been saved; at once the talks began again.
Mr. Obama proposed the entire female student body at Avenue A elementary school in D.C., but the Ayatollah laughed that he knew that was a public school, and he could only promise Israel would be safe until lunch. The President dug a little deeper: “What about the Vienna Boys’ Choir?” However, a quick call to the Austrian Prime Minister and Obama was reminded that Austrians still hate Jews. The Biden head was shouting “Get me outta this f***ing garbage can,” and the session once more threatened to go off the rails when Mrs. Obama piped up “Malia and Sasha.”
The idea had immediate appeal to Obama. “I’m sick of their smart mouths anyway,” he said.
“Hey, that’s a good f***ing deal,” chimed in the Biden head, grinning in the garbage can.
The fuse had been lit, and all that remained were details. Obama promised to ship 600 nuclear war heads to Tehran by sundown and surrender the girls instantly; in return, the Ayatollah guaranteed Israel’s safety for 48 hours…All this for the price of two teenage girls. But the brakes were once more applied when Mrs. Obama began to pout. An quiet conversation with her husband revealed that since childhood the First Lady had dreamed of having a pet goat. On hearing this the Ayatollah agreed she was welcome to his as he had used it very little and not at all since sanctions had prevented Viagra from reaching Iran. However, the holy man demanded one final concession…the President and First Lady must take the Biden head with them. The Obama’s seemed ready to walk away, but then the trash can rattled and grinning Joe said “C’mon, it’s not that big a f***ing deal.” Suddenly history was on the move.
The girls were summoned, stripped of their western clothes and put in burqas. Mr. Obama and Michelle assumed possession of the goat and the Biden head was put in a shoe box, which the President held nestled in one arm. Before leaving, the Ayatollah embraced them both and gleefully announced that countrywide in Iran a roundup of homosexuals had begun. “Forever more,” declared the holy man, “This day will be a national holiday for the Iranian people, commemorated annually with a celebration of evening fireworks to be followed by a late night hanging of homos. Allah akbar!” “Allah akbar,” rejoined the President, savoring the intricacies of multiculturalism.
While at the podium two Imams accompanied by smiling members of the Red Guard approached and delivered a lunch bag to the President. Mr. Obama opened the bag and peered inside, a smile lit his face.
“The girls have received their clitorectomies,” Mr. Obama proclaimed with pride. “Next month in San Francisco, at the opening of that great city’s new multicultural museum,” The President reached into the lunch bag and retrieved the clits, “These babies will be placed on display under glass beside Mexican jumping beans. School children from around the country and indeed the world will be able to pass by that glass and enjoy for themselves the time honored Islamic schoolboy game, ‘bean or clit?’ all while enjoying the lovely mosaic of cultures from around the globe.”
“I’ve never been so proud of my country as I am today,” said Mrs. Obama, and a nose peeked out of the box the President was holding.
“You know, this is a big f***ing deal.”